Today a friend sent me something that I just have to share. He and I were recently talking about how easy it is to look around and compare yourself to others and end up on the losing end of that comparison.
In that vein, he forwarded me a copy of today's Monday Morning Memo from Roy H. Williams. This is apparently an advertising site and newsletter for those in the industry, but today, Mr. Williams took a sidebar to his normal advertising discussion and instead spoke to husbands who have taken note of another woman and have been tempted to cheat. Reading the advice and knowing the situations that have happened in friends' marriages over the last few years, the same advice can probably be directed also toward wives who have noticed another man as well. But Mr. Williams does have a caveat at the bottom of his article titled "Why Do Women Cheat" that acts a disclaimer as to whether or not this works with women and their temptations.
Mr. Williams' basic premise is that the reason we cheat really has more to do with our own deficiencies than the deficiencies of our spouse. He says that the heart of the matter is that when you notice someone other than your spouse, what you're really seeing in them is things that you need to improve in yourself to become a better person. This turns most of the conventional wisdom on cheating spouses on its head, but reading his comments, I think he may have some great insight here.
He quotes Dr. Richard Grant, a clinical psychologist with whom he has a relationship:
“When you find yourself attracted to a woman who is not your wife, sit down with a pen and paper and make a list of the things you like best about the woman. Then look at those attributes as action items on a ‘To Do’ list for self-improvement. It’s never really about the woman. It’s about what’s missing in your own life.”
Dr. Grant tells a story of taking his sons to get a haircut only to find that the young female stylist entranced him -- he describes her as "tan, taut, perky, athletic, windblown, outdoorsy". His next step is one that takes great maturity and an honest ability to look at yourself for who you really are:
I was spellbound. So I grabbed a pen and starting writing like mad. Then, looking at the list of her attributes, it hit me: 'I've been working feverishly on a book for months, buried in a manuscript. I'm in need of exercise, sunshine, the outdoors.' So I made a commitment to myself to pursue those things aggressively. Thirty minutes later I left that barbershop with two freshly groomed sons and a To Do list for self-improvement. I never looked back.
This really connected with me. I don't struggle with having an affair with another woman. Instead, I'm always looking around at other people and comparing, and like I said, I end up on the short end of that pile when I'm done. Whether you're a guy who's struggling with a woman not your spouse that you're attracted to or whether you're more like me, looking at other people and never matching up, I think Dr. Grant's advice may be a great action step. Write down the things you're attracted to (in the woman) or where you lose out in the comparison (when playing the comparison game), and turn it around into a to-do list of self-improvement.
When it comes down to it, no matter how hard you try or how easy it is to convince yourself, that other person is not the answer to your fulfillment. You're only trying to fill a gap that you have subconsciously (or even consciously) perceived in yourself. You would be much better off to turn it around on yourself and develop you and who you are than to take the damaging step of developing something inappropriate with them (in the case of another woman) or constantly mentally putting yourself down (when playing the comparison game). Sometimes this take action, sometimes it take prayer, but usually it takes a combination of the two before you can move forward. But don't do something stupid that won't have the intended result when you can instead do something productive with the proper end in focus.
